LCD Views can report today after an exhaustive global survey that the Brexit dividend has been revealed to be the whole world believing the United Kingdom is now a bunch of incompetent and racist twats.
“It’s really going to help old Liam ‘airmiles’ Fox nail down those free trade deals with tiny countries,” Doctor Liam Fox said, referring to himself in the third person, “you don’t mind if I talk about Liam as if he’s someone else do you? I’m trying to put some distance between Liam and myself for when the crap hits the old fan. It’s a big fan!”
Please do. Why don’t you catch a flight and really put miles between you and Doctor Liam Fox?
“Liam would love that! The only thing he likes more than taxpayer funded business class plane tickets for zero public gain is checking behind curtains for friends!”
Now, back to the Brexit dividend?
“Well, it was really there in the EU referendum campaign. The country voting by an overwhelming mandate of sod all percent in an advisory referendum, which had no super majority because a, people weren’t supposed to be so thick as to vote for it and b, parliament was expected to act like a representative parliament even after it, the people backing Nigel Farage’s ‘Breaking Point’ billboard gave everyone the heads up.
Then the government goes “Brexit means Brexit!”. And the whole world knew what Brexit meant…but May had to say that because old Corbs, that sly dog, had already stolen a march on her by calling for article 50 to be invoked the moment the referendum result was announced! In spite of all the racism sticking to Brexit. Pretty amazing work even for a man whose understanding of Europe is stuck back when Jacob Rees-mogg was being fitted for his first monocle.”
And I under recent events have only served to underline the perception of the UK now, as revealed by our survey?
“Yep. The Windrush scandal. What a shot between the eyes for compassionate conservatism that is. On top of all the other policies we’ve brought in which have made for a hostile environment for not just immigrants, but the sick and the disabled and the unemployed. And don’t forget, the same immigration nightmare is facing other communities too. It really could be our legacy.”
Well all this will only make your work easier.
“Liam is really chuffed. He’s out and about going ‘Global Britain’ and ‘Empire 2.0’ at everyone, give us your cash and keep your people, we don’t want them unless they went to kindergarten with Theresa. This immigration scandal will just help everyone remember that a lot of the time was spent shooting their ancestors and taking their goodies. If we’re to do all that again we really do need to fill up some slums with unemployed men with rickets that we can put into red coats and cardboard boots.”
You’re well on the way to achieving that with your slow and certain destruction of the NHS.
“Liam is a winner. And Liam’s friends are winners. We’re really nice people, just a little dim.”
We know Liam and the longer we have a government committed to Brexit and an official opposition leader committed to Brexit, the more the world knows it too. Thank you for your time.
“Liam wants a lollipop. Liam helped get are country back.”