Windrush scandal forces crack team back to drawing board for how to deport 3M people after Brexit

The Windrush scandal, smouldering under the surface for years and now fully ablaze in Westminster, has forced a crack team of taxpayer funded policy makers back to the drawing board for the answer to how to deport three million people after Brexit.

”Clearly we have classes of people in the United Kingdom that are undesirables,” chief policy maker Theresa May told LCD Views, “and those are retired and not white, although in time they will be retired and white too.”

It seems the settled method since some mysterious woman, yet to be identified, became Home Office Secretary was to make life as miserable as possible.

”I can’t say at the moment how the human hating policies were dreamt up,” Theresa said, “that person must be certifiable!”

Although she could see why.

”Clearly a method for dealing with such people who have abruptly stopped contributing to society after decades is to get rid of them. Actually anyone who doesn’t read the Express and wasn’t born in little England needs to go. But quietly. Without recourse or press attention.”

So the principles established by convict transportation to Australia in the late 18th and early 19th century still hold good?

”They do in my book,” Theresa replied, “settled status means settled status.”

This may raise some issues for Brexit negotiations too?

”Yes! How can I con the hell out of Barnier if we all now see what global Britain really means? I mean, we must find a way to boot out the three million EU citizens after they retire or Brexit won’t really mean Brexit.”

Back to the drawing board then?

”Yes. And for the rest of you, if any of you know who that crazed fool was who commissioned frankly horrid vans to drive around the country in 2012 telling people to F off, please be good enough to keep it to yourself.”

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