LCD Views has been ordered to strap on the face mask, snap the rubber gloves and issue the public service message that the U.K. has been placed in intensive care after contact with a serious toxic substance.
”Scientists at Porton Down are working furiously to determine the exact toxin used,” Dr B Offin informs us, “it’s most likely cooked up from a recipe of Russian Cold War, or close after, origin and is thought to be especially dangerous if inhaled, but less so if rubbed on the skin to avoid getting the hose again.”
Dr B Offin wasn’t able to pinpoint the extent of Kremlin involvement, but suspicions are it’s in there somewhere, and being utilised by homegrown agents of both main political ideologies prevalent currently to further their own ambitions.
”It is inconvenient to have to quarantine the entirety of the United Kingdom. We had hoped just to shove England behind a curtain with a zipper and an armed guard, but it seems the toxin has already been transported across to Northern Ireland.”
But what about a cure? And a defence against further toxic attack?
”If the patient is to recover they will need to stop re-electing proven liars, as that’s the main source of toxic shock and the bigger the dose the bigger the damage.”
What about politicians that promise popular policies, like unicorns for all?
”You’re not paying attention. See above. Such types only faciliatate the damage after the major shock from another source. Truth must return and devotion to it and sanction for deliberate dissembling. It’s like sunlight killing germs, truth, we should try it. Can probably unplug the respirator and stand tall again if we do.”
Any other measures?
”Stop buying, sharing and in anyway interacting with The Daily Mail, Sun, Express and Telegraph,” Dr B Offin advises, “as they weaken your immune system and make you susceptible to the toxin in the first place. It would be bloody helpful if the BBC could stop interviewing liars too.”
Now there’s a further thought.