Jacob Rees-mogg’s new LBC radio show is to feature family planning advice as a regular feature, the broadcaster has advised.
”Mostly he’ll be exhorting people to throw away their condoms, flush their pills, burn their coils and just breed,” programme producer K Hopkins told LCD Views, “as baby Jesus demands. You want baby Jesus to be happy, don’t you?”
Yes. Of course.
”There will also be a name choosing ceremony each week live on air, targeted at people who are stuck for what to name their sixth, seventh, eighth and ninth children,” Hopkins added,
“although participants will feature only after proving they inherited sufficient wealth to afford to have so many children. Octuvulist is a nice name, don’t you think?”
Of course. We adore the classics. It’s sets one’s issues apart from the great unwashed.
We hear he will also feature environmental issues?
“Of course. He will be promoting fracking under your home. This is so Global Britain has enough energy to go to war against the EU.
And every week he will remind women they will burn in Hell if they have an abortion. Baby Jesus wants that too, regardless of the circumstances.”
What about a cooking segment?
”It won’t feature too many recipes per se,” K says, “it’ll mostly be a diatribe about how if your children can’t afford a school meal then they should starve, as Jacob’s voting record demonstrates.”
Well, we’re very excited. But why Jacob and why now?
”Sooner or later Farage is going to do a Hopkins,” K says, “and he’ll be pushed out the door. So we need to get our next right wing bullshit artist in full flow in advance of Farage demanding people goosestep for Brexit. Oh, and it doesn’t matter how much he’ll lie and dissemble, the ratings will be ace.”
Well, that’s all that matters.
”You wait until he does his Lord Haw-Haw impersonation, it’s almost as if the man is there himself. He’ll also be giving great tax advice. Just like you’d expect from a patriot. Tune in, drop out, of democracy.”