Potatriots are rejoicing over the design of the new blue, potatriotic passports today with the confirmation that the famous British phrase “We got are country back” is to be printed on the front.
“It’s so everyone around the world knows what Brexit means to natural English speakers when we visit,” Amber Rudd MP, Home Office Secretary, told LCD Views’ travel correspondent,
“well, if we visit. After Brexit the only Brits who will likely be able to afford to go anywhere will be the ones rich enough to purchase an EU27 burgundy passport of course. And senior politicians, like the party leaders pushing it forward.”
Why that phrase in particular though?
“The phrase was chosen as it best symbolises what Brexit means for the people who want it. And importantly, for the people who don’t.”
Yes. What about the people who don’t want to lose decades of accrued rights?
What about the people who think its an outrage you intend to strip away their right to travel freely across an entire continent?
“Do you mind if I ignore that question? Those people don’t really exist anymore. Even if they’re members of Labour.”
Carry on.
“Thanks. We had a bit of difficulty settling on the spelling,” Amber illuminated, “some thought country should be spelt cuntry, but that seemed a little low brow to my mind. Also there was a strong case for spelling back without the c, but I want people to focus on the ‘are’ personally.”
And we’ve heard there are other special features?
“Yes indeed! The cover is to be made from a material that combusts when deprived of oxygen.”
Why is that?
“It’s to stop traitors putting the British blue into burgundy wallets. If they do, they’ll catch fire. In fact any prolonged pressure on the surface will cause it to combust.”
But doesn’t that mean you won’t be able to hold them in immigration queues?
“We hadn’t thought of that.”
Doesn’t it also mean you won’t even be able to ship them?
“Because they’ll catch on fire in the shipping containers?”
Exactly.
“This is why we need to leave the EU. All these overbearing rules and regulations to do with what is and what is not supposed to catch on fire. Minimum rights and all that guff. You’ve just underlined our entire manifesto.”
I don’t see how. I’ve pointed out that there’s a risk ten mile long truck tailbacks at Dover could start burning when we leave the customs union.
“You realise this passport colour change is costing half a billion quid? And that’s just for starters?”
It sounds like money very well spent, if it means we get are country back.
“Oh, it’s just a down payment. You wait until you see how much the commemorative stamps are going to cost. Not to mention the loss of huge pieces of our service sector as a result of leaving the single market.”
I dread to think.
“Ah, now you’re getting in the swing of it. That’s how I get through every waking day now.”
Amber Rudd, thank you for your time.
“Thank you. Now watch me as I deport another academic.”