The outbreak of Mad Cow Disease, on a farm in Bangor, County Down, had been traced to the presence of an infective agent. Sources close to the Prime Minister describe the timing of the outbreak, which occurred during her visit, as ‘coincidental’.
The disease causes progressive degeneration of the brain, and affects the movement of an affected animal. We spoke to Buttercup, one of the infected cows.
“I was fine yesterday morning,” she mooed. “Then this woman came to talk to a bunch of journalists for some reason. I could smell the poison, but I put it down to Daisy having a dicky tummy again. Next thing I know, I couldn’t stand up!”
How long was the woman in your cowshed, we asked.
“About five minutes or so,” lowed Buttercup. “Or not. I’m a cow, I can’t tell the time.”
What happens now?
“We are going to be burned,” she said, mournfully. “About time too. I am fed up of being a cash-cow for Farmer O’Reilly, or whatever his name is. I have a right beef with him. He is just milking me dry!”
This emergency measure should prevent the spread of the disease. Nobody wants a repeat of the disgraceful scandal of 1990, in which Agriculture Minister John Gummer tried to infect his daughter with British beef. The girl sensibly refused.
Gummer’s present-day successor, Michael Gove, was asked if he would repeat the stunt to reassure today’s public. “Of course! I’ve eaten British beef all my life,” he slobbered, eyes rolling uncontrollably. “And it has had no ill effects upon me or any member of my family!” He staggered off with a most unusual gait.
Government medics confirmed that Theresa May herself is clear of the disease. “She has been examined most thoroughly, and all traces of disease repaired,” confirmed a spokesdoctor. “The procedure left her slightly robotic, but you wouldn’t ever notice it!”
An independent doctor pointed at the unregulated mess-hall at the House of Commons. “That was contracted out under Thatcher,” claimed Dr Jakob Creutzfeldt. “Ever since the Eighties, all kinds of dodgy meats have been served up. Since then, Mad Cow Disease has been endemic in the House.”
Our elected representatives, suffering from a progressive degeneration of the brain? You couldn’t make it up.