The new “Brexit Guide to Chess” has been withdrawn from sale after the discovery that every strategy on offer immediately puts a player deploying it into checkmate.
”Let’s get one thing straight first,” author of the guide, Iain Duncan Smith told LCD Views, “It’s not a book, it’s more a pamphlet, as I don’t know much about chess.”
You’re still an expert though?
”I am if I self-identify as one.”
You self-identify as an expert on a lot of subjects, why not chess?
”My thoughts precisely. You wait until my book on brain surgery during space flight comes out.”
Let’s deal with the chess guide first. What’s gone wrong?
”Total lack of patriotic spirit amongst British youth. This book is aimed at the Tory youth market. Naturally I expected to sell millions of hard copies.”
But isn’t the problem with the book the lack of actual strategies contained?
For example, you’ve replaced the famous ‘four pawns gambit’ with cut out vouchers for prawns from a seafood wholesaler owned by your second cousin.
”Do you have a seafood allergy? What’s the problem?”
It’s not much use in a game of chess.
“It is if I refuse to acknowledge reality and believe it is. Are you a secret remoaner?”
What about the ‘Calabrian Countergambit?’
”What’s that? This isn’t Radio 4, is it? You’re not as sympathetic as you’re supposed to be.”
The ‘Calabrian Countergambit’ is one of the most famous chess strategies! You’ve written the title and then instructed people to buy a horse from your wife’s ex-flatmate’s stable.
”I don’t see what the problem is. You can be an actual knight with a real horse! You can make a serious impression on any game.”
Iain Duncan Smith, you have here on page one that all pawns should be sacrificed at the start of the game. That they should be viewed as the feckless, layabout, curtain twitching undeserving poor who will only be motivated to do a proper day’s work by increasingly arbitrary and soul crushing sanctions.
”It worked for reforming welfare.”
Iain Duncan Smith I put it to to you that you are a leech who survives on patronage and should not be allowed near public policy making.
”Oh my God. You’ve completely nailed John Humphrys back when he gave a shit and wasn’t just phoning it in before lunch with a Tory chum daily.”
Thank you for your time.
”Thank you too,” Iain replied, “Did you like how I replaced the ‘Bird’s Opening’ with a short story I wrote imagining me as a Dambuster? That’s my personal favourite.”