LCD Views is facing an emergency situation in the WC at work today after we reluctantly heeded the advice of consumer watchdogs and stopped the sale of Brexit toilet paper in our office toilet.
“It seemed a sensible free market solution to the mysterious issue of staff overusing office supplies,” Gary Searchlight shrugged, “we make the staff pay for it sheet by sheet.”
Coincidentally, Gary is the member of parliament for Bogland, a Legatum employee, an ERG member, a possible Kremlin stooge and the purchasing manager at LCD. None of this is a conflict of interest.
“Forcing the staff to purchase sheet by sheet meant they felt a sense of personal responsibility, they were key stakeholders and didn’t just flush roll after roll of our hard earned money down the loo, when it was supposed to be diverted to a tax haven.”
So what went wrong?
“Nothing, in theory.
We outsourced the loo roll supply to foreign majority owned firms, so we could more easily send the profits from the privatisation of the toilet paper through a fun series of bank accounts ending in Panama.
We allowed individual staff members to pay for the Brexit toilet paper by docking everyones’ wage, regardless of the amount they used, to be fair.
This may have impacted negatively on the interns, who are dirt poor, but it taught them to work harder before they had a ‘personal space movement development ease episode’.
We ran endless workshops to re-educate the staff on the correct deployment of Brexit toilet paper too. We worked up mission statements. It was very distracting.
After a while we introduced a new rule that a qualified professional needed to change empty “sanitation empowerment facilities”, or bog rolls in old money, which led to some delays at times, but was clearly safer. Everyone could see that. Every year we doubled the number of professionals needed to do it. And we had to train them. It was expensive, but worthwhile.
So we had to charge more for the toilet paper to cover the increased costs of maintenance of the system.
We essentially invented a whole new industry out of changing the toilet paper. It did wonders for the outflow inflow workflow of our accountant and CFO.
What we didn’t expect were the lobbyists who continually presented magic charts and backhanders over curries that proved we could incrementally reduce the service formula criteria of the composition of the Brexit paper, while still maintaining minimal satisfaction levels for all key stakeholders, i.e., anyone who needed a poo. It was almost like it was all a set up job.
This led to increased competition in our one WC, for different grades of toilet paper, that were incidentally more profitable to supply. Which coincidentally increased the amount of money we sent overseas.”
So what’s the matter? This all sounds like a dream?
“Brexit toilet paper, released onto the British and European market by FarageCon, BanksCon, HannanCon, RedwoodCon, Rees-moggCon, JohnsonCon, HoeyCon, DavisCon and FoxCon some years ago, it’s failed. 100% failure. Oh, and it’s now so expensive we can’t maintain the system any longer by just increasing the ‘responsibility levy’ the staff pay.”
Omg! How did it fail?!
“It’s been discovered it’s now composed of 99% horseshit and 1% powdered glass.”
Isn’t it the same formula as when they first released it onto the market?
“No. Back then it was 100% sovereignty. That doesn’t chaff your bum half as much. Actually polishes it up nicely.
But this latest formula, while more profitable for the concerned democrats selling it, and loved by the red top tabloids, it’s causing a complete failure in all toilets and we’ve had to order an immediate cessation in use of the Brexit paper until we can work out who to sue for all the bleeding bums and blockages.”
So what will the staff do in the interim?
“Who cares. It was never about the staff. Go to the loo before you come to work I’d say. Then hold fast and wait for the stomach pains to pass.”