AN ISLAND GOVERNED BY LITTLE ENGLANDERS : EXCITING news today for Britain’s current English Minister, Keir Starmer, with the revelation that he has won the 2025 ‘Theresa May Award For Excellence In Government’.
The little heard of MAFEIG’S have been awarded annually since 2019 to a leading UK politician who best embodies Theresa May’s approach to power in 10 Downing Street.
“Some expected the May’s to fall out of favour with the change from Tory to Labour government last July,” our despondent Westminster correspondent reports, “but Starmer has come out of the traps charging and shown that while May’s time in power may have passed, it doesn’t mean her approach to running the country into the ground has to.”
To be in contention for the MAFEIG’S the contender has to actively hold a powerful position within the country and wield that power in an unexpected way.
“A maverick approach to government is what the judges are looking for,” our correspondent continues, “May first displayed her unique style with the Go Home Vans, before she was PM, but her Citizens of Nowhere speech showed us her inner qualities. Yesterday Starmer proved he was paying attention and ready to pick up where she left off. Just because 14 years of austerity, cruelty, racism and competing with Farage to shout at the sea saw the Tories heavily binned, it doesn’t mean Labour will experience the same fate. The Cons were just ahead of their time.”
But it’s not just being mean to those bloody foreigners that is required.
“Historical blindness. Economic incompetence. Double standards. Hypocrisy. Cruelty to vulnerable sections of the electorate. Alienating yourself from your natural supporters. Inability to recognise your advisors are absolutely shit. Feeding into right wing populism. All are vital characteristics needed to win. And did I mention being mean to foreigners? Essential. You’re not going to win back that wavering voter in a town full of boarded up shops and bookmakers by being honest, humane and even handed while also investing in meaningful change.”
While the recipient of the award may have been decided already, the award ceremony itself won’t be held until much later in the year.
“Officially the competition runs until parliament dissolves for Christmas. This means Keir has months yet to make his achievement truly hysterical. We can look forward to a summer of invigorating speeches delivered with all the panache of the award founder herself. Why, we may even see Starmer competing with Farage to cut the ribbon on the first machine gun nest facing into The Channel at Dover. If a Labour government can govern like the Tories, we can only wonder at what is to come.”