HIGHER AND HIGHER (YOUR FLAG KEEPS LIFTING ME) : FANTASTIC news for the people of Fuch-on-Woe today with the announcement that a newly elected Reform county councillor is expecting a baby with the town hall’s Union Flag.
While a baby boom in weird human/flag hybrids is expected with Reform’s commanding performance in the recent local elections, keen eyed observers are amazed at how fast the conception occurred.
“It’s miraculous,” 458 year old Reform supporter, Mr Whiter Thanwhite, enthused, “when I was dug up from my Tudor graveyard and carried down to the local primary to vote last week I was imagining what magic child may be born, but I never expected the shagging to be so fast and hard. There wasn’t even a comet in the sky. It just shows you, if you want to fill the country up with red, white and blue babies, you need to get a proper knucklehead on the case. I mean white, white and white babies clearly. Red, white and blue babies would be a sign of plague creeping across the land and I’ve already died of one once. Never again!”
Who exactly the human parent of the expected child is is being kept a closely guarded secret. But our reporter on the ground in Fuch-on-Woe, D Espair, has a rumour to spread about that.
“I’ve been watching the town hall closely since the results of last week’s ballots were announced and I am pretty sure I can say it’s Dick Phlagshag. He was up on a ladder as quick as you like once erected in Fuch taking down all the but the Union Flag and the Saint George cross. He did linger for a moment or two by the Union Flag and touch its fabric in a way I can only describe as openly sexual. It was no surprise when I returned from grabbing a full ENGLISH breakfast half an hour later to see the Union Flag was also missing. But Dick was erecting that ladder again soon after and re-hanging it. They were both a little red-faced, but not from embarrassment.”
We did ask Reform’s leader Nigel Farage for comment on the event but he was too busy explaining to a fake news reporter that it’s impossible to hold constituency surgeries in Clacton because the internet hasn’t been invented yet.
While it is not yet clear how long a pregnancy of this kind takes to come to term, it is possible to speculate on the name of the infant.
“Saint George Brexit Machine Gun Nests At Dover Labour Will Be Along Any Moment To Fuck A Flag Too Rather Than Govern In A Way That Actually Attracts Voters,” is the likeliest name, suggests D Espair.