170 SEAT MAJORITY IS WOKE : The latest lost soul to wander the haunted halls of 10 Downing Street, K. Starmer, has spoken exclusively to LCD Views via a ouija board to mull over his feelings since winning the 2024 GE.
When we offered to interview the Prime Minister we expected an invitation to an informal coffee session in the famous old townhouse, or perhaps a quick fire meeting after a PR stunt in a factory somewhere. The suggestion we interview him via a mystical board usually used to communicate with the dead took us by surprise.
Naturally our first question was, “Prime Minister, are you in the room with us now?”
There was a delay of several seconds, but then the hand of our lead political reporter, which was holding the board’s pointer, began to move with slow, but steady, determination.
The answer was “Yes.”
The lights flickered at that moment and our ageing MacBook went into a spinning rainbow wheel, but that’s more to do with our bottom end office rental and lack of IT budget.
Onto Question Two.
”Why have you chosen to be interviewed via an arcane device and not face to face. You are still alive, and we hope will be for years to come.”
The answer spoke of Mr Starmer’s vision for his time in office, as revealed by his actions so far.
”Because politically I’m dying slowly. It’s beginning to feel surreal. I have a 170 seat majority and I’m not able to do anything but drift about like continuity Sunak. But I am happy. I want to reassure you that I’m living my best life. If not politically.”
Question Three. “That is what our readers would most like to understand Prime Minister. Many thought it was just a strategy to appear to be Tories to win the election. They didn’t expect you to continue with so many proven failures, in policy terms, once in power. Quite the reverse, actually. It’s hard to see Labour retaining power at the next general election, if you forecast from the last six months of comatose government.”
The answer to this did show he was capable of laughing still. “How to you make a shrug emoji with a ouija board?”
”Get AI to redesign it?”
We were all smiles.
”But seriously Mr Starmer. It feels like we’re reliving the early years of Cameron and Osborne. And they were appalling. How do you answer that criticism?”
His answer made sense.
”Titan. I can call you by your first name, can’t I?”
Shrug emoji.
”2010 to 2015 were the best years of my life. I’d reached the pinnacle of my legal career. I was looking forward to entering politics and making a real change. David Cameron was PM then. He’ll forever be in my heart as a result. So I’m doing my best to be a tribute act to the Tories of those years.”
Last question. “But what of the change you wanted to make?”
”Can’t you see I’ve already done it. I’ve turned a powerful Labour majority into a Tory one. Something no one has ever managed before.”