SOLID GOLD RUST : A man who purchased one of Elon Musk’s Cybertrucks, while high on hallucinogenic drugs, has spoken today of his relief at its reception in his neighbourhood.
”I was worried,” D Ouche told LCD Views, “not at first. When I was high as a kite, after confiscating some mushrooms off my teenage twins, I wasn’t worried. I thought it was all just my imagination. I could never believe I’d really go onto Tesla’s website and order one of those sci-fi fever dreams. But. I mean what the hell. They’re not even raccoon proof.”
Hallucinogenics and automobile purchase decisions are not normally good bedfellows.
”You can imagine my horror when I was doomscrolling and saw Elon Musk doing that weird cringing double fist pump thing next to Trump at Thanksgiving, and right at that moment I saw the so called truck arrive.”
D Ouche said he didn’t believe his eyes, at first.
”It couldn’t be. I had just imagined it. But. Surely I could return it? But apparently if you try and do that Musk will dox you to the 200m bots who follow him on his cryptoporn site.”
It seems the prospect of crypto and porn bots besieging his home was too much.
”Clearly I was still a bit high. And now I’m stuck with it.”
However a slim hope arrived shortly after.
”I was thinking we were going to be ostracised. You know, how Space Karen will be January next year when Trump and him argue over who is whose useful idiot?”
The danger passed once D Ouche saw another article comparing his strange vehicle to a series of dumpsters.
”Seeing those images of how closely a Cybertruck resembles a dumpster was my salvation,” D Ouche reveals. “I just opened all the doors and let nature take its course.”
WhatsApp helped too.
”Whenever anyone asks on our street WhatsApp if anyone has any space in their bin before bin collection I simply say yes, and put up a picture of the Cybertruck. It’s actual made us really popular locally.”
Does he have plans to actually drive the Cybertruck?
”Only if I confiscate the motherlode of narcotics. I’d have to be out of my mind to be seen behind the wheel. And I’d disturb the nesting raccoons.”