NEW LABOUR, OLD DANGER: Sir Keir Starmer has marked the end of the summer by removing the official portrait of his most notorious predecessor. The ageless ex-Premier will henceforth reside in the Downing Street attic.
Thatcher will have exalted company in her elevated position. The attic is reserved for iconic figures who have impacted the country in a significant way. Her attic mates include Neville Chamberlain, Liz Truss, and Boris Johnson.
Officials have denied that the move is an attempt by Starmer to achieve immortality.
“That’s a Wilde accusation,” claimed spokesleftie Dorian Redd. “Although it does explain how a lettuce outlasted Liz Truss.”
There is a less sinister explanation.
“Since the Tories had so many Prime Ministers in the last fourteen years, there was simply no space left on the Downing Street staircase,” said Redd. “Mind you, the portrait of Boris Johnson was so large that it covered up all the other portraits, and it had to have its own scaffolding just to bear the weight.”
Johnson’s portrait had to be dismantled entirely, and the plush gilt frame melted down.
“The gold we retrieved was sold, and the proceeds managed to fill one of the black holes in the inherited budget,” said Redd. “The picture itself was folded with a delicacy that Johnson himself might have recognised, it was shoved into a plastic carrier bag from Lidl and dumped into a corner of the attic.”
Thatcher’s portrait is alleged to have snorted in disgust at the incident.
“The staircase is no longer a Health & Safety hazard,” said Redd. “Rishi Sunak was forever tripping over it, which was why he used the helicopter every time he went upstairs to bed.”
The attic is the place where responsibility is borne. Any PM with a clean conscience will be happy to end up in the attic. Which is why most of them are on the staircase.