CRASHING OUT OF EUROPE: The man who was determined to leave Europe now wants to take England back in. At least in terms of football. But he is struggling to find enough right wingers.
The man himself was unavailable for comment. He has scarpered to suck up to his mentor, Donald Trump, after the poor ex-president faked an assassination attempt (allegedly).
“We would have won, if only Brexit had been done properly,” claimed the fraudulent frog-faced fascist foghorn’s mouthpiece, Zig Hyle. “Last time we played Spain, back in 16-whatever, Sir Francis Drake beat the small Spanish boats single-handedly, just by playing bowls!”
Yeah, I don’t think that’s how football works.
“The result stands!” said Hyle. “We won, Spain lost, and they need to respect the result of the humiliation.”
Farage already has his first team lined up. Well, five of them, at least. He himself will play up front and take all the glory. His deputy Richard “Dick Twice” Tice (a disappointment to every girlfriend he has ever had) will be right behind him. Lee Anderson will dominate the middle ground, as he sees it. The other two, being less well known, will have to play at the back.
“We are struggling to find any real right wingers,” explained Hyle. “Nige, Lee, and Dick and the other two are centrists, really. Obviously playing on the left is out of the question, so we will carry on where Gareth Southgate left off.”
That’s still only five players. Proper football has eleven, plus substitutes. Where is the rest of the squad?
“Oh, don’t worry about that,” said Hyle. “We will make up some players, and call them up if we need them. We have the best team on paper, with all the paper candidates.”
Victory is assured. Farage insists that coming second is the same thing as winning. Except in a corrupt referendum, of course.