START AS YOU MEAN TO GO ON : As the UK reels from the shock result last week of no longer having a government determined to smear its hands in shit and clap for all the world to see everyone is wondering how the surviving Conservative MPs will react, in opposition.
In an exclusive interview with first the BBC, ITV, SKY, GBBEES and LCD Views, Sluice Fucbouquet, the heroic Con MP for Batface-on-Thigh, explained the strategic reasoning.
”Imagine if we’d told even an iota of the truth during the general election campaign?” he asked, in what was a surprising twist to start the interview. “It would have been a disaster.”
Sluice is right.
”Who is responsible for record NHS waiting lists? Who reduced the armed forces? Who put the poo in the water? Who treated the pandemic like a get even richer quick scheme? You see my point? Anything approaching honesty over the last 14 years would have been an extinction level event.”
But when queried over how long Sluice thought lying would keep the party relevant he was less confident.
”Look, we have to hope all the people who say Starmer is just a Tory are right. If they are nothing will get fixed and we’ll be bang to rights to be back in power in no time. We are after all, the natural party of government.”
Which presumably explains why having a government that suddenly seems intent on not smearing its hands in shit and clapping is proving something of an adjustment. Especially for Westminster correspondents.
Healing takes time.
”Pass the bucket,” Sluice requested, “I’ve an interview with Rees-mogg and that’s when we clap the hardest.”