STRONG AND STABLE ELECTIONEERING : The UK’s last Conservative Prime Minister Rishi “Frank Spencer” Sunak is said to be in a stable condition today after self-inflicted gunshot wounds to both feet.
”Shortly before 6am this morning ambulances were called to provide emergency medical intervention for the Prime Minister,” a Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views.
Reportedly the alarm was raised after Mr Sunak was found struggling to walk on the campaign trail and holding a smoking gun.
”Initial reports say that the PM was suspected of having disarmed an assailant until it was revealed he was the assailant and he was still armed.”
Hostage negotiators were also called as the response turned to also preventing the hapless PM from further self-inflicted injuries.
”At the time the alarm was raised it did appear Mr Sunak was aiming the gun at his knees and looking to finish the job he started,” the spokesman adds, “but trained professionals were able to steady the situation by playing ‘California Dreamin’’ by the Mamas n Papas and repeatedly chanting only six more weeks, six more weeks.”
It is further understood no police action is anticipated over the attack as Mr Sunak is not minded to press charges against himself.
”It is an evolving situation though,” the spokesman explains, “as the likelihood of further self-inflicted wounds remains very high so long as Mr Sunak remains loose and able to make decision for himself.”
There is currently thought to be no immediate risk of the PM having to suspend campaigning while he recovers as “a clown car has been found to ferry him about from calamity to calamity under it all comes crashing to a halt in the end.”