LIFE, THE UNIVERSE, AND EVERYTHING are all on the shopping list. The looting window is closing, rapidly. There are only 42 looting days left until the long summer holiday. And this is a summer holiday that could last forever.
The mood in Westminster is feverish. The pigs with their snouts in the trough are running around like headless chickens. They are scared that they will have to get off the gravy train and onto Southern Rail, on the off-chance that a real train will arrive.
The gloves are off. The masks have slipped. “This is no time for subterfuge and playing the long game,” said Tory MP Max Swindells. “I have only 42 days to put my latest scam – I mean, policy – into action. No time to placate the PM or even the Daily Mail. It must be done NOW! While there’s still time.”
And what is this great scam – I mean, policy?
“Railway stations,” said Swindells. “Look at the platforms. All that space which could be monetised. Commuters will pay for their own space on their own platform, the better the spot, the more they pay. A space on the edge by the doors for coach 1 will cost more than that odd corner between the fire buckets and the toilets. I’ll forge the King’s signature and everything. No time, must dash.”
And Swindells was gone.
Similar schemes were everywhere. Plans to charge individuals for breathing. Taxes on using the lavatory to pay for cleaning up the sewage and bigger water company dividends. A plan to legalise drugs so that drug dealers can be taxed to the limit, albeit with a lifetime’s free supply for Michael Gove.
And while his minions squabble over the remains of the Exchequer, PM-for-now Rishi Sunak is booking a very long holiday, beginning on July 5th.
So long, and thanks for all the Great British fish.