FAUCET FRAUDS : Great British Reassurance today for anyone worried they maybe killed by drinking from their tap as the newly appointed Minister for Bottled Water Sales, Abac Teria, set out his plan to deal with the contaminated water crisis.
”There isn’t a plan,” he told a rapt classroom of year 5’s during a photoshoot to promote greater involvement of corporate interests in early years education. “You all look rosy cheeked, don’t you children? Yes. Yes you do. So if anyone tells you not to drink from the tap you just ignore them. You can only get infected once. And the strongest amongst you will thrive as the weak fall by the wayside. Won’t they children?”
While the lack of an obvious plan to return the UK’s water supply to the 21st century may concern some, Abac Teria isn’t losing any sleep over it.
”I’m disgusted at the people talking this country down all the time,” he blasted a cheeky 10 year old who appeared to have loosened his bowels during the session, developed a fever, fainted and was carried from the classroom. “Our glorious ancestors didn’t worry about water supply when they were raising militias on the subcontinent, did they children? Did the railways, the same ones we still use today with almost the same trains, get invented while handwringing over red tape to do with E. coli? No. They didn’t. So don’t you worry yourselves over it.”
Apart from the obvious and unnecessary excitement over water quality, Abac Teria, also had some choice words for the gloomsayers.
”Look at the sales of bottled water now? This is how you turn crisis into opportunity. This is the British way! Now, just remember if anyone moans about a brown lump clogging up the tap, you just tell them they’re woke and go look for a puddle in the yard to wash your face in. Now, I’ve got to run along and take up a job with the water regulator. My wife works for a water company. That’s exciting isn’t it? We can talk about work. Which is nice.”