FUTURE TENSE : The PM for a crisis, Rishi “the blast” Sunak, has today announced a stunning reversal in the UK’s expectations.
”Most expected us to go quietly into that long night,” Mr Sunak told a rapt audience of AI enthusiasts, “but I ran the numbers through my new whizz bang artificial intelligence engine called Barry and it told me exactly what to do.”
And the solution to the UK’s myriad of once seemingly unsolvable problems is disarmingly simple.
”It all comes down to lanyards,” the clever little boy beamed. “For too long people have been wearing the wrong coloured lanyards in the work place. The damage has been calculable. Just look at the NHS waiting lists, bin collections, potholes, the RNLI saving drowning people, the National Trust failing to only talk about Stephenson’s Rocket, well, the list of things that have measurably degraded to a terrifying degree since 2010 is exhausting.”
But today the fightback begins.
”From today anyone turning up to work anywhere with a rainbow lanyard will be summarily executed. We will gladly sacrifice a few civil servants to ensure your hip operation happens by Saturday and the nurse who fits your catheter is wearing a red, white and blue lanyard.”
With the handle now back on the country’s pot all our assured it will be a lovely day tomorrow.
”Remember how it was always a lovely day tomorrow with Boris, if you just ignored today? Nothing has changed with me at the helm. And to ensure it remains a lovely day tomorrow I will be enobbing Johnson as Lord Al of Empty Wine Crates. He will then become Minister for Lanyards and we will all be warming our hands over the frozen tears of the woke.”
Job done. Well done Rishi. We don’t know what we’d do without you.
”And Barry. He’s my imaginary friend,” grinned little Rishi.