TAKE THAT, JOHNNY FOREIGNER: England’s shiny new immigration policy is operating precisely as expected. To celebrate Shakespeare’s birthday, Rishi Sunak’s government-in-name-only has deported England’s Patron Saint.
“St George only has himself to blame,” said Immigration Minister Sendham Back. “He comes over here, from somewhere foreign, who cares where, but the Middle East probably. He’s a single adult male who has left his wife and children behind. Probably. He is trying to steal precious British resources from the British People, by which I mean Tory donors. It goes without saying that he came here in a small boat, because in the age of dragons, aeroplanes hadn’t been invented yet.”
This England, this royal throne of pint-sized upstarts, this septic isle, hath made a shameful conquest of itself. By demonising the slayer of dragons, England has rejoiced in its own weakening. For who now will slay our dragons? Who will defend this fortress built by Nature for herself, this demi-paradise, this earth of majesty, from Angela Rayner?
Not St George, that much is clear. Our reporter caught up with him over a dodgy phone link.
“It’s great here,” said St George. “There’s plenty of space, it’s nice and warm and dry, unlike bloody England. There’s lots of great people here too.”
George paused for effect. “Like this guy. Come and say hello, G,” he said to a fellow inmate.
“Now this chap, even you will recognise him,” said George. “Wispy beard, sandals, halo, crown of thorns, holes in his hands and feet, carries a cross around for some reason. Anyway, He made it as far as Glastonbury before they caught up with Him and chucked Him out.”
“Hi there!” said Jesus cheerfully. “The best thing about being the Son Of God is that I rose from the dead. You can’t keep a good man down! Everyone knows my name. Same with St George, what a legend!”
With enemies like these, who needs friends?