The EU needs to fall into line with us

TRANSIT INTRANSIGENCE: All out problems could be over, if only the EU would fall into line with England and the English Empire, claims Jacob Rees-Mogg. Their pettifogging insistence on imposing their silly little foreign rules is causing hold-ups to Great British Commerce. It is also costing huge amounts of money that could be more usefully diverted into the war chests of England’s feudal overlords.

The English Empire is vast and all-powerful. It consists of the Square Mile in London, selected smart London districts such as Park Lane and Mayfair. It incorporates the many pockets of English Acreage held by the Landed Gentry, whose ancestors stole it from the native Britons in 1066. Just over the Border, the Empire includes the Vassal States of Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland. Logic dictates that the remainder of Ireland is de facto part of the Empire. Beyond these fine green swathes lie the Sceptic Isles of Gibraltar, Malta, Atlantis, and the Falklands, all of which had the good sense to split from mainland Europe long ago.

It makes perfect sense that the EU should bow down and pay homage in the face of such might.

“The continued intransigence of the EU is costing them dear,” said Rees-Mogg in his familiar 19th century accent. “Their refusal to accept the superiority of England, our England, prevents them from basking in English Sovereignty. They cannot share our fish, our sparkling clean waters, our cheap food, or our low-price energy. Do they not know that Britannia rules the waves? Do they not speak in strange dialects, derived from the Mother Tongue, which they use to denigrate their superiors?”

Ultimately, there is only one solution: the Final Solution.

“We must make them bow down,” said Rees-Mogg. “There can be no dissent. We will fight them on the beaches, lay down our towels, and make sure every European town sells weak fizzy lager and fish & chips. There is no alternative!”

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