THE BLAIR SWITCH PROJECT : The Middle East will just have to sort out its own issues now, as Britain’s greatest living former PM and Noble Peace Prize runner-up 2001-2007, Tony “T Bone” Blair, has accepted the offer of becoming the UK’s Defence Secretary.
”Of course the Middle East is in uproar over the move,” a spokesman for 10 Downing Street told LCD Views, “they don’t know how they’ll get on without Blair’s magic touch as peace envoy. But charity begins at home. And if things do get a bit rum there it’s not like we’ll stop selling them bombs.”
However, eyebrows have been raised over Mr Blair’s appointment to the cabinet, given he is no longer a sitting MP, and should the great offices of state really be filled by just calling up the King and interrupting his morning nap?
”That’s easily fixed,” the spokesman explains. “Ignore the concerns. Blair was made a Lord this morning. Viscount Blair of Cordouroy I believe. The handle doesn’t really matter. And it shows great cross-party consensus at a time when the UK needs the proven men of the history books back in charge. You know the ones, the change makers. The ones remembered for doing something profound when others wouldn’t have. On brand for brand Rishi. Back to the future. It’s not like Rishi is a lost little rich boy incapable of projecting the gravitas to conceal his glaring errors. That’s not why he is appointing former PMs to the cabinet.”
But other critics have queried exactly what Viscount Blair will get up to, given the UK is already involved in both the Ukraine War and Gaza.
”That just allows him to get out of the blocks at a sprint. No need to cook up any dodgy dossiers! He can focus on the basic tenet of UK involvement in foreign conflict.”
Which is?
”The appearance of concern while making a whopping great profit!”
The move is unlikely to quell the trouble in backbench Tory ranks, already seething over the appointment of Baron Cameron as Foreign Secretary.
”So what? They’ll just have to focus on what’s important and get behind the Prime Minister. How else do they expect to keep their seats in the upcoming GE and all the benefits of office? If you start letting trifles get in the way, like democratic principle, you might find it a bit tricky to land your second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh jobs. And where will you be then? Apart from hosting a game show called Gammon Quest on GB News.”
Still more critics though believe they’ve seen through the smoke and mirrors to the real motivation for the appointment.
”It’s just another dodge by Sunak to avoid any accountability. Now when the media asks what the Prime Minister is doing about x or y, his spokesman can just say, which Prime Minister? And get out of dodge!”