GREAT BRITISH RATIONS : The UK’s world beating Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak, is expected to easily resolve the Great British fresh food crisis, just as soon as he learns about it.
“The PM has a lot on his to-do list,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “what with the mess the last Labour government left the British fresh produce sector in. But I can reassure the public just as soon as whoever does his grocery shopping sees an empty basket in the Harrods fresh produce section, he will be alerted, and he will take action.”
What form the action will take is yet to be determined because the PM is yet to recognise the problem, but the smart money is on a combination of a “hi-vis walkabout in a polytunnel, while a Spitfire flies overhead and with a lot of meaningful pointing at where tomorrow’s tomatoes will be.”
In the interim the public is advised not to “riot at Aldi” and to sing any song “by Elgar”.
But Sunak may not have the luxury of time as Labour are calling on the government to “march right into Brussels” and “make Brexit work”, just like they would, clearly, “because it’s not a populist fraud” and definitely something everyone should still keep agreeing with was a democratic decision, in spite of the reluctance of the government to make public knowledge or foreign interference.
“I don’t know why everyone is in such a lather over tomatoes,” the spokesman added. “They’re a foreign fruit and we don’t like anything foreign anymore, except for confidential loans from friends overseas. This crisis will soon be followed by another, so why is everyone getting so worked up about it? Save your energy for the next crisis.”
In the mean time LCD Views urges the PM to immediately phone Brussels and remind them that “their fresh fruit and veg growers need us more than we need them!”.