HIP BROTHER HIP : SOUTH LONDON is always on the map of stylish innovations for the men of today, and yesterday. From bear baiting circuses in the 16th Century, which made puffy trousers and pantyhose for men a must for any bloodsport crowd, to the pirate eye patch craze of the 1700’s, and all the way to the top knot of today. Now the epicentre of global cool has another notch in its Edwardian oak twist bedpost.
The reason for the latest rush of blood to the head is the BROCHIE!
The Brochie is a “beard scrunchie” – A new way for trendy, hirsute hipsters to style their beards. Or as the inventor of the Brochie, Carnival McKenzoo, explains “to fit a Brochie properly requires an experienced pair of hands”.
LCD Views visited Carnival at his West Bermondsey salon, Douching Dudes, to learn more.
For the interview Carnival’s PA, Collop – a retired circus performer who joined Douching Dudes when he became afraid of heights – seated us in one of the salon’s famous up-cycled 14th Century witch ducking stools. The scratch marks on the arms of the stool imbued it with old world mood and gave us a good idea of what to expect during our own up-styling session.
“I was worried that the beard was once again going out of style,” Carnival told us as we sipped a complimentary decaffeinated, lactose safe, substitute seaweed milk espresso.
And yes, Carnival was wearing one of his latest Brochies. This eye catching Brochie was made from army surplus razor wire wound fetchingly about a garter Carnival claims, “did time in, you know, ahhh, a French brothel before I bought it at an Amsterdam flea market from an unemployed lion tamer while looking for found objects to make my individual, handcrafted Brochies from”.
WOW! But how much does one of these bespoke Brochie’s cost?
“Oh, you know, how much does anything cost?” Carnival replied and then looked intensely serious as he fitted a welder’s glove and stroked his beard. “The gloves are extra man,” he added. “Unless like, your blood don’t flow brother.”
Right on!
But let’s get serious. Where have the millions come from?
“Smegtonic have bought the IP yeah to mass produce a line of identical Brochie’s made from standard scrunchy materials. Yeah. Everyone with a beard can have one. It’s so cool. Hey! Mind the monkey! It’s behind you!”
What? We spun around only to find Collop gigging in a corner on a pile of fresh fifty pound notes. When we looked back Carnival was RIGHT THERE with a Brochie in his hands.
“Made you look man,” he smiled. “Now just grip the arms of the stool yeah, and I’ll fit you right up with a live hand grenade Brochie. You’ll go off with this one. I found the grenade in the snow in Kazakhstan. It took way cool nerves to make the hole through the centre and seal it without you know, blowing up. Just don’t pull out the pin.”
Awesome.
So when will Smegtonic be hitting the stalls with its Brochies for the masses?
“Oh. By Black Friday. Yeah. They just need to raise some more venture capital to pay their manufacturers in Mexico. Right on. But they’ll do it. I trust them. I’ve had the downpayment and I’ve Whatsapp’d over the design. You just wait man. Your babe will know exactly what to get you for Christmas. Peace out.”
But we haven’t finished the interview?
“If the espresso is over so are we. PEACE. OUT. BROCHIE OUT MAN.”
WAY OUT. We left Douching Dudes with the grenade Brochie leading the way. We’ve never felt so primed with style.
*Smegtonic Brochies will retail for £99.99, subject to availability, shipping and exchange rate fluctuations. Advance orders can be made at their website. For one off bespoke Brochies just drop by Douching Dudes and have the “readies ready”. For people without beards artificial beards are required and can be ordered from Smegtonic – Smegtonic bringing venture capital and cool to your beard. Soon.