BALSA WOOD PM : The UK’s least agile interviewee and most fragile PM, Liz Truss, has moved today to quell concerns over the blindingly obvious fact that she can’t interview to save herself, or her government.
“No one expected today to go well, if I’m honest. Bloody last Labour government!,” a backbench Tory MP told LCD Views. “By the way, there’s a reason I don’t have Conservative Party in my social media profiles. Only the team surrounding Truss in the Trunker thought having her actually talk would pour oil on trouble waters. She poured oil on alright, then threw on a lit match. Then stood there with a giant fan directing the gale force winds at the flames and clapped like a trained seal shown a very big fish.”
The catastrophic media round has at least forced the PM into a reaction much faster than destroying the UK economy did.
“The PM is too busy working out which tax cuts to gift to the wealthiest next to take time out to do anymore media rounds,” a source inside the Trunker told LCD Views. “For this reason a famous public figure has been approached to take Ms Truss’s place in all future slots. He will put a charming, bumbling, diverting face to the calamity. Just as he did between 2019-2022. If the people are entertained they won’t notice their house being repossessed.”
When queried why the new spokesman agreed to do it, the answer was obvious.
“He never wanted to do the actual job of PM. Look at how disastrous it is to try! He just wanted to wander about out pretending to be PM. The spokesman’s job is perfect for him. Liz has total faith he will have everyone laughing as they burn their dead pets for heating fuel this winter.”