PENNY WISE : Kwasi Kwarteng, once only famous for laughing during the funeral of Queen Elizabeth II, has added another classic hit to his CV in the last week by singlehandedly crashing the economy of the United Kingdom.
The decision to hit the nuclear button with the missiles all squarely aimed at home was taken as a natural follow up to Brexit. Many had expected the seismic world events of recent years, namely the pandemic and the war of Russian aggression in Ukraine, to temper the zealotry of the Britannia Unchained squad, but many are often taken by surprise.
“You have to admire him really,” a source close to Mr Kwarteng told LCD Views. “All around the world the experts are being consulted over every little shift in economic policy. Not by Kwasi. He knows where he’s going and he’s going for it. Going, going, gone!”
When pressed to defend his amazing policy announcements Mr Kwarteng initially attempted to hide, but when cornered down a dead end alley he turned to face the press. He wasn’t cowed.
“I’m fed up with the woke braying of the IMF and even some in my own criminal gang, I mean political party,” Mr Kwarteng is reported as blurting. “It’s like no one can take a joke anymore? It’s hilarious to watch all those pension funds shitting their pants. We want them to go liquid. We need people to spend their pensions and consume or how stupid will the BOE’s interest rate rises look when younger, working people start losing their homes. Get a sense of humour people. You’ll feel better.”
When pressured to give details of exactly when he will U-turn on his policies Mr Kwarteng was less forthcoming.
“I think it’s best we wait until November,” he smirked, “and see what conditions the IMF attach to the emergency bail out of the UK economy. Don’t you? Let’s keep up a healthy sense of suspense over exactly what we’re up to until then. I wouldn’t be joking if I said I don’t even know myself.”