SAY IT ISN’T SO : The UK’s most efficient supporter of the Prime Minister, Minister for Yoghurt Nadine Dorries, has announced bold new measures designed to ensure the perception of Mr Johnson as a useless, lying sack of shite is “upstreamed” back to “a modern day Churchill, but not like the dog from the TV, the other one who led the Light Brigade in the defence of Mercia”.
The new measures are specifically in response to the discovery that just entering “PM” into an internet search leads users to find page after page of news articles critical of the Prime Minister.
A spokesman for the Culture Minister told the press today that privatising the internet was the only way to ensure positive coverage of Mr Johnson returned, thus ensuring “a 1000 year reign of Mr Johnson and his innumerable descendants.”
“There is no reason other than bias for news sites being overloaded with critical articles of Mr Johnson,” the spokesman said. “His infidelities, his lying, his lawbreaking, his complete and total disloyalty to anything other than short term ventures that excite his dopamine centres, his threats to the Northern Irish peace process, his vacuity in policy terms, his concealment of reports over Russian interference in UK democratic process, his failure to be pro-active during the pandemic, his industrial scale deceit to all electorates, none of this accounts for the bias shown by so called impartial news outlets.”
Once the internet is privatised it will be owned solely by offshore billionaires with tax efficient arrangements who will fund social media lackeys and pretend journalists to flood the patriotic digital sphere with solely positive comment. The move has been described as “democratic” by Ms Dorries.
“There is only one thing standing in the way of the complete crushing of dissent and a pure, democratic electorate,” the spokesman added, “the internet. But first of all Nadine has to find it. But once she does she’ll privatise it. The only way to defend freedom of speech is to control what’s being said.”