DIRECTOR OF COMPLAINING : UK PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON has proven he gets all the BIG CALLS RIGHT after deciding to ditch his cancer stricken wife for his (then) mistress and moving said babe into 10 Downing Street. Few would have had the courage to be so bold in their mashing up of their personal and political lives, and neither the Tories nor their client media would have let anyone else get away with it. But he’s not done yet.
Hot on the heels of his smashing electoral win yesterday against his own rank and file the PM has decided to call a SNAP GENERAL ELECTION for this weekend. A special bank holiday will be decreed later today to celebrate the unexpected polling and show it’s not just the Queen who can give you an unexpected day off.
The rumour mill hasn’t even had time to get started on who will be the electoral campaign director for the SUDDEN POLL DAY because the PM has GOTTEN THIS CALL RIGHT TOO and appointed subservient and doe-eyed MP, public starling, ostriche anus eater and go to defender of the crown NADINE DORRIES as the one to steer the ship safely to the bottom of the sea.
“Nadine has seized the coveted job after showing her quality yesterday prior to the Confidence Vote in the PM,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views. “At the start of yesterday the rebels who were prepared to vote against Boris were thought to be about 60-80. Thanks to Nadine’s work in front of the cameras and on Twitter by the time the vote was called 148 Tory MPs were prepared to bin their careers and go against Boris. Some misinterpret this as almost a loss, but what it really shows is how high a peak the PM had to scale just to stay in office. He couldn’t have gotten to that point without her flawless day of electioneering.”
It’s not just Ms Dorries who is celebrating though, a long cast of previously unknown backbench MPs are set for Ministries after the PM found just the right levers to pull to keep them onside.
“We’ll shortly be announcing the new Ministers for Drawing A Line, Getting the BIG CALLS Right, Moving On, Navel Gazing, Retributions, The Issues Our Opponents Want Us to Talk About, VONC 2,3 and 4, Leading the War Effort In Countries We’re Not At War In, Vaccine Roll Out Boasts and Denial of Reality, among many more.”
It’s not clear how many MPs Mr Johnson is prepared to sacrifice to win this weekend, but the body count will be significant.
“If Dorries can just repeat her efforts yesterday we’ll see another stunning victory for the PM,” the source explains. “It’s now or never. We wait too long and we’ll have nothing left to offer the Gods of Politics in order to carry on just that little bit longer dismantling the UK.”
Remember it’s always a lovely day tomorrow with Boris Johnson, just ignore today, which was once tomorrow, but will soon be yesterday with a lovely day just two days away.