Boris Johnson to make extra Tory council seats out of empty wine crates

THAT SINKING FEELING : Prime Minister Boris Johnson is to celebrate the dramatic local election results this week with an arts and crafts session.

The world beating PM has long been famous for his use of recycled materials in craft projects, with a plentiful supply of his favourite material to be found just laying about the house. Who can forget his ramped up interview when he claimed to make buses out of empty wine crates. A moment in which he displayed to all how he can both laugh at everyone, and govern.

“He’s going to revisit the bus,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He’s going to paint little freezing pensioners on it. But once he’s warmed up he’s going to move onto sorting out the complete shambles the UK’s local councils have gotten themselves into.”

The shambles in particular appears to be the loss of hundreds of seats and dozens of councils.

“Winning local elections is clearly a remoaner plot to undermine Brexit,” the source adds. “But Mr Johnson has hundreds of empty wine crates stashed away from when he held dozens of parties to celebrate throwing a protective ring around care homes and the NHS in the pandemic. He’ll now put those crates to good use.”

The choice of inanimate objects is fitting too.

“Who could currently stand for election as a Conservative and claim to have consciousness, or even a conscience? Have you seen the state of the country after twelve years of Tory rule? You’d have to be blind. For that reason he won’t be painting little eyes on the new councillors. Just big, open mouths to swallow whatever bullshit Boris says next and then attempt to regurgitate it on the doorstep.”

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