WANDERING DRUNK IN THE DARK IN A CRISIS WITH HIS ZIPPER OPEN SCREAMING FOR A SHAG : THE BRITISH PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is to make a great stride into combating the cost of living crisis in the UK today, ahead of tomorrow’s local elections.
Concerns have been building within the cabinet for weeks that the British people may baulk at eating each other and it is time to reinforce the exceptional mindset that got us into this pickle to begin with.
“We can’t face reality now,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views. “If we do the party is over.”
A key part of the strategy in helping the public cope with the new realities will be to accelerate the managed decline in their quality of living to the point where a job churning mud while screaming insults about the French is seen as aspirational.
“The UK media is exceptionally helpful, I will say,” the source says. “They rarely if ever mention Brexit and its vicious impact on the UK economy. Sacrifice for the greater good. That’s what it’s all about. We are now in a period of glorious isolation again. This is how you lead the world. But there is a worry that another calamity may not come along fast enough to hide the impact of the Tories attempt to fashify the UK. The pandemic was a real saving grace just as we got Brexit done. Then the war in Ukraine rode in to cover up for the mismanaged pandemic and Brexit. We’re really praying for an asteroid strike somewhere northern now. I personally spend my sleepless nights watching the sky and praying for it. But as yet there’s no light in the sky growing forever brighter before revealing itself as a screaming fireball headed for Yorkshire. Which is a shame.”
While the government waits for cosmic intervention it can at least continue with the tried and tested technique of denying reality and trust in the media’s assistance.
“Mr Johnson will deny the EU single market and customs union still exists,” the source adds. “That’s one way to deal with the cost of living crisis right there. What good would membership of a massive trading bloc a few miles away possibly do for pensioners who are deciding which of their house plants to eat?”