Boris Johnson to focus on what matters to the electorate and “lie more convincingly next time”

PORKY PIES : THE UK’S Prime Minister is widely applauded for leading a successful war against truth. There is no barricade of fact, no bastion of reason, no citadel of common sense he will not charge head first against. This is how he got Brexit done while failing to get it done but convincing lots of voters he’d got it done.

But the Partygate scandal threatens to tarnish a reputation for evasion and deflection well deserved after decades misleading the public for personal gain. To suggest that the mere matter of getting hammered on multiple occasions in contravention of lockdown laws will be enough to stop this juggernaut of contempt is to underestimate the capacity for moral fibre of his supporters. To fail to stand in wonder at a group of MPs, and a public, who watch the soap opera of his political life and think, yeah, let’s have more of that. Maybe he can pull off lying to the Queen twice? Maybe he can take more IT lessons? What were fishermen again?

“So long as we think he can win us elections it doesn’t matter how low we allow our democracy to be dragged,” any number of self-serving Conservative MPs told LCD Views. “Who will help us feather our nest without Boris? Who will help us dwell solely in a mind palace of fantasy decorated with titles, peerages and palaces that convince the humdrum conman he is something else?”

Truth, respect, accountability, the public good, all of these things are nothing set against how big a splash one overgrown child can make in high office.

“He’s just got to get back to basics,” any number of spineless, rent a vote Tory MPs tells us. “He’s got to lie more convincingly or I’ll have to heed my electorate. It’s hard to spin this Partygate bollocks convincingly. Although happily the taste of sick is washed out by the benefits of being in office by his favour.”

You can do it Boris. Get Partygate Done! Comforting lies are what matters to the voters even as the evidence to the contrary grows in the cost of living crisis.

“The trick is to make their daily life so hard they don’t have time to properly think about us,” random Tory says. “But not so hard they’ll come for our grace and favour palaces.”

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