Boris Johnson to solve cost of living crisis by declaring it to be over

WE GOT THE COST OF LIVING CRISIS DONE: Prime Minister and dietary expert Boris Johnson has solved the cost of living crisis. He has simply decided that, since he can still afford to live, that there is no crisis any more. 

After all, he Got Brexit Done by allowing all the extensions and grace periods to expire. He Got Covid Done by losing interest in it as soon as the clamour got too loud. 

Crisis? What crisis? is his cry. As every child all over the world knows, if you close your eyes, whatever you were looking at disappears. Johnson is no longer looking at the crisis. Therefore, it doesn’t exist. The logic is impeccable.

Having decided upon a strategy, however feeble, Number Ten is sticking to it through thick and thin. Or at least until the outcry becomes too much, and the tabloids begin to report on it. 

“You simply have to believe in better,” admitted the famous anonymous Downing Street Source. “Think yourself warm. Think yourself well fed. Urge your car to run on empty. It’s not hard!” 

What does the Source say about actual people actually freezing and starving to death in Britain right now? 

“These alleged people are not believing hard enough,” chided the Source. “They must be lefties, remainers, unpatriotic country-haters, do-gooding Guardian readers who want the country to fail. If such faithless losers die, then what is it to us? We will be stronger and better off without them!” 

That’s not much help, to be fair. 

“Lie back and think of England!” said the Source. “Think of the compassion of Priti Patel, the firm competence of Dominic Raab, Nadine Dorries’ effortless command of her brief, and the all-encompassing love of Boris Johnson! I’m getting a nice warm glow right now!” 

They think it’s all over. It is, now. 

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