ROOKIE MISTAKES: Intensive investigations into Tory sleaze have revealed the existence of a species thought to be extinct. A solitary Conservative MP has been discovered whose lifestyle is beyond reproach.
This MP is devoted to his wife. He doesn’t take drugs. He manages to get by on his paltry stipend of 82 grand without claiming expenses for heating his stables or taking on extra work as a lobbyist. Indeed, he appears to spend most of his time working as a full time MP.
He votes with his conscience. He devotes much time to constituency issues. He always acts with the greatest respect and integrity.
Except in one crucial respect. Terry Dactill remains a member of the Conservative Party.
LCD Views naturally tried to contact him, but unfortunately he was far too busy negotiating with energy suppliers on behalf of his most vulnerable constituents, and was reluctant to attract publicity.
So instead we sought the opinions of those brave investigators who uncovered his existence.
“Terry Dactill is a throwback, you might even call him a dinosaur,” claimed fearless journalist Carole Singer. “I have personally trawled through the records of over three hundred Tory MPs over the last six years, and never have I seen such egregious integrity and attention to detail. He has never so much as claimed for a parking ticket! I’m shocked to the core.”
Singer has a vast store of information about Tory parliamentarians. Many acquire descriptive nicknames or plays on their real names. Michael Coke, Michael Fabrication, Captain Bag-of-Custard, Rishi Scrooge, Miss Yo-yo Knickers, and Geoffrey Two-Jobs provide a colourful selection.
“Dactill even keeps a copy of the Nolan Principles on his desk at the House of Commons,” continued Singer in an awed voice. “I’ve never seen that in my whole life. It’s as if I’ve been transported back to the mid 20th century!”
There is also rumoured to be a nickname given to decent, honest Tory MPs by their peers: idiots.