TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT : The one and lonely Boris Johnson is to lead his party in a doorstep clap this evening at 8pm to celebrate today’s eyewatering cost of living increases.
A Downing Street source said the decision to clap for people suddenly finding themselves in poverty, and those now teetering on the brink, was made in order to allow the entire Conservative Party to make a public show of just how pleased they are with themselves.
“Squeezing the fat out of the lamb until it bleats, and then collapses, is the number one goal for Tory MPs,” the Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The fact that we have overseen the worst drop in living standards in history and are just allowed to carry on making things worse and worse, it really shows we have captured British politics and strangled it.”
It’s believed especial pleasure is being taken over the public discourse about the crippling increases in day to day costs for hardworking British families, and the other ones.
“No one is mentioning Brexit. Not us. Not Labour. It’s amazing. We’re really winning here. We’ve disinvested in public services and lined our friends pockets for over a decade. We’ve shattered our trading relationship with our closest neighbours. We’ve overseen a murderous shitshow in response to the pandemic. Well, the list is long. And really the scrutiny is zero. It’s just magnificent. No one is calling us out for the long history of miss rule. Just demanding we do more now. Rishi doesn’t even know how to buy a fucking Snickers mate. Good luck getting him to understand that being part of a government that has created 10’s of 1,000’s of food banks is not a good thing. You’re dreaming.”
The public are encouraged to join Tory MPs at 8pm tonight and stand on their doorsteps and clap.
“There’s an unseasonal cold snap happening and the physical activity will help warm you up.”
Temporarily.