PM “distraught” after news Sue Gray Partygate report was being stored under O2 Arena’s roof

SAFE KEEPING NEVER GOT SAFER : 10 Downing Street is said to be in a “disordered” and “panicked” state this morning, just like every other morning, after Storm Eunice ploughed through the United Kingdom leaving a path of devastation in its wake unrivalled by all but Mr Johnson’s daily attempts at governance.

But even as the clean up begins there are troubling reports for the Prime Minister. First and foremost it appears the storm was unable to clear the backlog of lorries winding out of Dover and clogging up the arteries and veins of the UK’s trade network.

“We had expected the winds to at least take a few trucks out of the queue,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “But no. Which is just bloody typical, given it has EU in its name. We didn’t want to be part of the storm anyway just because of the name. And here we are? What exactly were the benefits of being involved in such an international event if it doesn’t blow away pissed off truckers?”

And there’s even worse news with the breaking story that the damage to the O2 Arena’s roof has had unintended consequences.

“It’s a crying shame,” the spokesman agrees. “All the copies of the Sue Gray report, and the little USB sticks the backups were stored on, were being stored for safekeeping under the O2 Arena’s roof. They’re all gone. Blown into the Thames and the alleyways of Greenwich. We advise anyone finding sheets of paper covered in damning evidence of the 10 Downing Street lockdown rule breaking to walk on by. Just keep going. To hold them in the light of day could be incredibly toxic. Especially for the Prime Minister.”

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