BRITANNIA RULES THE WAVES: The UK reigns. Ukraine. It’s in the name. Ukraine is part of England. And little tinpot dictators who pose shirtless on horses would be well advised to remember that.
Major Tory donor and sometime petty despot Vladimir Putin has threatened to stop funding Downing Street parties unless Boris Johnson backs him up. He wants Johnson to get onside with his plans to extend the influence of Global Russia. Ukraine must be rescued from the claws of possible EU membership. The unicorns of beneficial trade deals and free movement must be rejected, in order to align with the values of the Spartan East.
“Less is more!” Putin reminded wavering Ukrainians, while absently jingling a bag of gold coins. “Do you want to be soft Westerners, sucking on the teat of cheap French wine and siestas? Or align with your old masters in the East, and become strong through hardship and war? Let’s take back control!”
The argument thus won, Putin now wishes to put pressure on Johnson, his not-so-secret ally in the soft West. “Remember, Boris Stanovitch, that the flow of weapons-grade Russian vodka is dependent upon your agreement!” he is rumoured to have said.
Johnson is said to have leaped to attention faster than if six gorgeous naked blonde fillies had started to remove his trousers. Five minutes, and a couple of shots of Putin’s best later, the PM was ready to face the ordeal of recording a message straight to camera.
“Well, yes, no, er, well, yes, wiff waff, lorem ipsum, vaccines!” he declared in his best Churchillian manner. “It is my, erm, what’s the word, duty, yes, duty, is that the right word? what does it mean? OK, well, it is our solemn duty to support levelling up across the globe! And it’s only fair to lend Mr Putin a couple of our spare tanks to, erm, well, level up Ukraine.”
After all, Brokeback Mountain won’t level itself up.