Nobody told me that I had to be Prime Minister when I became PM, says Boris Johnson

FINGERS IN THE EARS AND GOING LA LA LA: Ignorance is bliss. Although ignorance of the law is no defence. Especially if you are the one who created the law then spent days repeating it. 

World beating world king and newly clothed emperor, Boris Johnson, is feeling the heat. Why, oh why, oh why, he demands, does anyone expect ME to run the country? 

“When I, as it were, isn’t it, you know, yes, no, well, erm, wiff waff, became, you know, Prime Minister, nobody told me that I actually had to do the Prime Ministering,” Johnson revealed. “All I have to do is to be PM, other people actually, and and and, this is not easy to say, VACCINES!!, erm, other people actually do the work.” 

Where does the buck stop? 

“The bucks go into my pocket, with the pounds, euros and roubles,” he replied. “The bucks stop with me, I can always get someone else to buy stuff, like that ghastly wallpaper that ghastly woman foisted on me.” 

Carrie? 

“Is that the filly’s name? Really?” he spluttered. “Leaking to the press, going behind everyone’s back, manipulating, pretending to have babies. I mean, I thought that was my job!” 

No, your job is to run the country. 

“You don’t want me running the country!” chuckled Johnson. “Can you imagine? Talking bollocks, waving a little flag, dressing up, getting pissed, and saying ‘wiff waff’ all the time? I would be rubbish!” 

But still you became the PM. 

“Nobody told me I would have to do any, erm, erm, what’s the word now… ah yes, work!” he snivelled. “I’ve never followed the rules before, why start now? Wiff waff! Veni vidi da Vinci Code! In any case we must wait for Sue Grey’s report, which will be delayed indefinitely.” 

The job of world king is not to wield power, but to draw attention away from it. 

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