YOU CAN’T BUY CLASS BUT YOU CAN GET IT DONATED : RUMOURS IN THE WESTMINSTER VILLAGE suggest that Britain’s outgoing Prime Minister Carrie Johnson and her consort Boris are to ask the HIGH COURT to rule on whether or not they get to keep the gold wallpaper.
The decision to redecorate the famous Downing Street address was taken early in the Johnson’s tenure and one of the most significant decisions the pair took while in government. It was hoped the changes to 10 Downing Street would have been at least “as semi-permanent as a Boris Johnson family household” but it seems likely the wallpaper will be stripped away as rapidly as “a Union Flag by the tutor in an IT lesson”.
The fate of the wallpaper is a key decision as it symbolises the great strides taken by the pair as they oversaw the successes of not only Brexit and the pandemic, but of bringing a touch of new money class to the “slum” in central London.
“If Mr and Mrs Johnson keep possession of the wallpaper it will go a long way to funding their retirement from public life,” our non-existent financial expert comments on the fabricated rumours. “It is believed to be high carat wallpaper and could be melted down and recast as ingots.”
Although there is more than just immediate financial security riding on who keeps the stunning wall covering.
“If the wallpaper is deemed by a judge to be public property it will have to be treated like all public assets under Tory administrations,” our expert concludes. “That is sold off to private interests, stripped and the profits relocated to an offshore location. From there they can be used to purchase more public assets in the virtuous cycle of Conservative fiscal management of UK plc.”
But it’s felt that Mr Johnson may have more than financial aims in his mind.
“If he continues on as an MP he will be dreaming of his comeback and will likely use lengths of the impressive paper to write letters of no confidence on about whoever succeeds him as PM. Presumably before he’s even had time to pack his bags and get out of No 10.”