IT’S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR: No, not Christmas, but the Annual Tory Backslapping Awards. One of the most hotly contested awards is even more than usually interesting this year.
Indeed, candidates are almost literally queueing up for the gong. The David Davis Thick As Mince Award has attracted any number of outstanding candidates.
There is Nadine Dorries, who is nominated every year, but has excelled herself recently. Dorries, who justifies her selection every time she opens her mouth, is threatening the BBC for actually reporting the news. Why can’t we be more like America, runs her ‘thesis’, with properly partisan propagandists like Fox News? Dorries is currently the bookies’ favourite for the award.
Consider Oliver Dowden. But not for long, as it can cause permanent damage. Like gazing into the sun, exposure to Dowden is likely to impair your faculties. His claim to fame being ‘disgusted’ by the revelation that parties were taking place both illegally and under his nose. He is angry because he neither noticed nor was invited. Dowden is another front-runner.
Then there is Nadhim Zahawi. The Education Secretary has been on the news programmes more often than most, although never to talk about education. Not the best liar, he was challenged to defend the absent Prime Minister’s latest ridiculous excuse, implicitly. After repeating himself several times, and crowbarring the word ‘vaccines’ into every other sentence, he gave up trying to understand what exactly ‘believed implicitly’ means. Maybe, by realising that his boss is talking bollocks at last, he has exempted himself from the running.
Of course, no competition would be complete without Boris Johnson trying to skew the odds in his favour. He is currently trying to spin his pathetic excuse that he is ‘self-isolating’, despite there being no obligation at present, as stupidity rather than cowardice. In any event, he will dress up in hi-viz and cosplay as the winner.
Meanwhile, there are no nominees for the Competent Conservative of the Year prize.