BRITANNIA RULES THE AIRWAVES: To make sure that the BBC is truly patriotic and British, a new directive has been issued. From a date in the near future, BBC1 will broadcast the National Anthem 24 hours a day, every day, and doubly so on Sundays.
Tory MP Simba Lism has insisted that the UK is insufficiently indoctrinated. There is only one thing that can restore the greatness of Britain, and that is to make sure that every time UK citizens turn on the TV or radio, they are guaranteed to hear God Save The Queen. This alone will restore much pride, But Lism wants to go even further.
“It is of vital importance that our culture is not diluted by all the horrible foreigners swarming into the country,” Lism urged, fists thumping on to the table, disturbing the carefully arranged Union Jacks around his desk. “Don’t they understand that we are British? And Britishness must be emphasised by our national broadcaster. They have a duty to support our national identity, and protect our wonderful culture from the foreign whiff of garlic and curry!”
And it’s not just anthems and flags that Lism is talking about. The symbols of Global Britain must be everywhere.
“I want every British house, shop, and castle to be red, white and blue!” he thundered. “We must never forget our heritage! Statues must remain exactly where they stand, forever, like Ozymandias, to remind us that our history is sacrosanct! We must have our British pound of spuds! Our British eight bob tuppence ha’penny! The blessed crown on our beer glasses, so we cannot forget how British we are, even in our cups! And BBC1 shall play the National Anthem to ensure that loyal citizens salute with pure British rapture!”
Meanwhile ITV1 will play Land Of Hope And Glory, ITV3 will show Poirot, and Channel 4 will play the Sex Pistols favourite God Save The Queen.