DOING EVERYTHING THEY CAN : FANTASTIC news for a beleaguered pal of a former UK Government cabinet minister today with the decision to force the French to bottle bubbles properly.
It had been feared that a fleeting acquaintance of a Tory MP would be left out of pocket after accidentally placing an order for 10 million 500ml glass bottles with “some foreign chap he met at a dinner”, but the UK Government has stepped up to the plate and the public will pay the price.
“Once we realised that the poor fellow concerned had once made a donation to the Tory Party coffers it was a mere formality to change the law to force sparkling wine producers to produce half litre bottles,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “This way some of his profits we be redirected back to the Conservative Party and a virtuous circle completed.”
Whether or not there is any desire in the wine sector to produce champagne in such sizes was clearly not a consideration.
“We’ve a Churchill reference, what more do you need to make the UK’s world beating wine sector match fit for the 21st century?”
But a spokesman for Mr Hancock is rumoured to have said he does not know anything about the deal and he doesn’t appreciate being associated with what would appear to be blatant corruption at best, and something far less seemly at worst.
“The men who died on those beaches laid down their lives so Matt could start proper rumours about attaining high offices of state, not this frothy nonsense.”
The French region of Champagne for its part is said to be enthusiastic after hearing that the UK Government is now calling 500ml a pint.
“We will be producing actual pint bottles just to confuse them,” a source said, before laughing continually until it was time for bed.