LIKE A KID IN A CANDY STORE: To celebrate the new Downing Street Directive on Holding Business Meetings, Boris Johnson has decided to open a stationery shop. This shop will stock every item that an everyday Downing Street business meeting needs.
Every meeting has several requirements. For example: laptops, in this case resembling personal trays to hold your nibbles and your glass, and to stop Carrie pinching your vol-au-vents.
Every meeting requires a Chair, so the shop will stock fancy chairs for all participants.
Paper comes in every colour imaginable. Each piece comes ready-printed and attached to a complementary bottle of wine. Reams of paper are available (or “wineboxes” as they are known in the trade). Once your ream is exhausted, you may use the box to create your very own painted bus. Each one should bear its very own implausible slogan, and the shop will display the finest examples.
The shop supplies wooden presentation boards. These are used to present reports and facilitate discussion. The fact that these boards bear many varieties of excellent cheese is merely a detail. Clients such as those likely to shop at Boris’s expect little luxuries.
The shop will supply containers for all its goods. Otherwise, little things like peanuts, crisps, sausage rolls and the like, tend to make a mess on your desk.
Post-it notes will come in the traditional golden colour. They will be produced in many flavours, including Cheese & Onion, Salt & Vinegar, and Privilege & Entitlement.
Pre-printed agendas will be produced. These will include items such as “1. Opening remarks: I declare this bottle of Chablis open!”, “3. Restrictions: Nobody is allowed to eat all the Brie (That means YOU, Classic Dom!)”, and “8. AOB: Any Other Bottles?”.
Of course, every meeting must have a secretary present. The job of this person is to swear everyone to secrecy.