LIVING THE HIGH LIFE: Dominic Raab has come clean about the large amounts of coke found in the House of Commons. He admits to attempting to snort coke, but struggled because of the bubbles.
“I usually just drink it,” confessed Raab. “But then Govey let on that he likes snorting it, so I thought I would give it a go!”
But that didn’t work out too well either.
“I sat there with my drink, snorting,” said Raab. “But making myself laugh down my nose did nothing for me. I must say though, I did produce some impressive bogies!”
Eventually someone explained to him that snorting coke meant breathing it in through a rolled up banknote.
“Well, I thought, my plastic drinking straw is much the same thing,” Raab continued. “So I did it! Then sneezed everywhere, because the bubbles got up my nose. I told Govey, I can’t see what all the fuss is about.”
But Gove isn’t the only government minister with a drug habit.
“Priti Patel likes a bit of opium,” reveals Raab. “No wonder she always smells so nice. She picked up the habit from Jacob Rees-Mogg, and Jacob admits to occasionally sampling laudanum with Samuel Taylor Coleridge.”
Then there are several cannabis users.
“George Eustice likes to smoke joints,” said Raab. “So I tried it. I rolled my joint first, why you do that I still have no idea, then smoked it. I now have a large supply of smoked gammon. It’s delicious, but I still can’t see the attraction.”
Raab also reveals that there is a small group that enjoys LSD.
“The old fashioned ones, who want a return to the pre-decimal currency,” said Raab. “Mark Francois, Steve Baker, that gang. They claim that unicorns are not only real, but they have seen them and ridden on them. Well, I got some farthings and florins, but no unicorns appeared. It’s a mystery, and nobody will tell me what’s going on!”
And he departed, to the strains of Lucy in the Sky with (Nadine) Dorries.