I’M A LUMBERJACK AND I’M OK: World beating green PM and notorious tree hugger Boris Johnson has made another unsustainable promise. He will, personally, end deforestation in the next ten years. Sources claim that he will actually make good on this promise by cutting down all the world’s trees during the intervening period.
There is only one snag to this cunning plan. “I sleep all night, and I work all day,” explained Downing Street mole Tim Burr. “That’s his personal motto, but ‘I bonk all night and I drink all day’ would be much closer to the mark.”
So it looks like we will be saved from Johnon’s fiendish schemes by his own laziness.
“Yes, but it won’t matter,” said Burr. “He will go into interviews conducted in the heart of an ancient woodland and he will claim that there is no such thing as trees any more. Even the BBC will put two and two together and realise that the man’s a charlatan.”
LCD Views always asks the important questions. Does Johnson skip? Does he jump? Does he like to press wild flowers?
“He will if there’s a camera on him,” said Burr. “In the same way that he goes for morning runs, cycles everywhere, supports the England football team. He’s an actor, and not a very convincing one.”
A bad actor? Or a bad faith actor?
“Yes,” said Burr unhelpfully. “Almost nothing in his personal manifesto is true. He doesn’t go shopping on Wednesday, he doesn’t even like buttered scones, there is no evidence that he dresses in women’s clothing, although he does hang around in bars quite a lot to be fair.”
So does that mean the world is safe?
“Because one man is an idle twonk? No,” said Burr. “There are plenty of rapacious deforesters who will take his inaction as consent and burn the planet in his name while he gets kickbacks.”
At least we should all be nice and warm for the next few years…