GREAT BRITISH HEATING : THOSE LAZY GERMAN CARMAKERS CAN FORGET saving Britons from the self-inflicted harm of Brexit now that we are a fully independent, sovereign, globally trading nation. Self-dependence is now our watchword and nobody likes cars anymore. And it’s not because we can’t get petrol.
While the mainstream media has been filling the front pages with unpatriotic scare stories about rising heating and energy costs Brits have been using the Blitz Spirit to show we don’t need any French electricity or Dutch gas.
“The woods are a hive of activity,” the BBC reports, “as plucky Brits thumb their noses at the boring busybodies in Brussels and find the fuel they need to survive the first proper Brexit winter.”
It’s well known that the extensive commons and forests of this MIGHTY ISLAND NATION have all that is needed to live without imports of food and energy.
“We will be broadcasting live throughout autumn and winter as the GREAT BRITISH FORAGE begins,” the BBC trumpets. “Mr Johnson himself will watch the action live with a glass of his favourite French wine in a chateau before a roaring blaze. Cheering on the patriots as they fight over the last twigs in the green spaces of our ALL CONQUERING COUNTRY.”
Still it’s not all Tudor roses as a group of Tory backbench MPs have set up the Fuel Research Group to study how best to use flint to start a fire.
“We will have to look at raising the VAT on foraged wood and dry moss. Especially on horse hoof fungus,” a representative of the FRG tells LCD Views. “We must ensure supply meets demand and demand is managed. And don’t forget the NHS will need the moss for use as bandages when the collapse of civil society leads to cannibalism.”
It’s guaranteed that EU27 energy supplies will feel the burn as the MIGHTY BRITISH LION sets its mane ablaze and runs back and forth along the WHITE CLIFFS OF DOVER roaring at France.
“Nobody likes us and we don’t care!” the FRG representative adds. “We survived thousands of years on scavenged wood and badly bbq’d meat and we will do so again. This is just another tangible benefit of Brexit that we could not enjoy if we hadn’t of left Europe!”