BLOODY COLONIALS : THE UK’S NEXT PRIME MINISTER LIZ TRUSS is said to be “baffled”, “blindsided” and “taking comfort in cheese exports to Devon” today after the Australian trade enjoy walked away from talks that she began as the UK’s world beating trade negotiator. This was before her rise to Foreign Secretary, a post she is now imbuing with the same degree of baffled detachment her predecessor did. You remember him, it was the Man Who Discovered Dover (he had to leave to destroy the Human Rights Act. Good Tory. Good good Tory).
“Liz isn’t sure what to make of the mess Anne-Marie Trevelyan is making of all her success,” an insider in Ms Truss’s office told LCD Views. “I mean how hard is it to take the EU trade deals that Liz photocopied and get some white out out and paint over any cracks? It’s a shambles. If she wasn’t so busy arguing with Raab over their 114 room grace and favour mansion she’d get a gang of UC recipients together and go back to her old office and make hell.”
The failure to conclude the Aussie deal is especially worrying as Brits had been expected to replace food with TimTams this winter.
“If people can’t roast a jar of Vegemite in place of a turkey there’s going to be a dip in the polls,” the insider frets. “If I was Johnson I would fire that clown Trevelyan and give Liz the brief of Secretary of State for International Trade. She can easily add that to her portfolio as she does sweet f all about the two briefs she currently holds. What’s a third?”
We did seek comment from the Australians as to what went wrong but they just laughed, and then kept laughing.
“It’s alright cobber! Your entire house of cards is on fire. Let’s pick up the talks when you’re suppressing food riots. Bloody poms. Crikey!”
At least that’s what we think they said when they weren’t shrugging and whispering “Biden told us to pull the plug as a warning for stuffing around the Irish.”