TWINKLE, TWINKLE, LITTLE STAR : The world beating United Kingdom government has today ramped up preparations for the first Brexit winter.
Work has been happening in the heart of Downing Street to ensure Britons fully experience what a minority voted for in a rigged, illegally influenced national opinion poll won on outright lies some years back. And that work is now baring its teeth.
“Candlelit vigils are out,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Not only will the ban allow us to get closer to achieving our climate change goals it will also mean Britons have heat and lighting through winter. Well. Some of winter. Probably.”
The ban on use of candles will last until Christmas with the UK’s manure smeared, tumbled haystack of governance, Boris Johnson, due to light a candle on the steps of 10 Downing Street on Christmas Eve to end the ban.
“Christmas will be saved,” the Downing Street source confirms. “You remember that classic British novel A Christmas Carol? You recall the Cratchit’s? Your Christmas will be like theirs, before Scrooge has his watershed moment. It’ll be great. Your PM’s Christmas will be like Scrooge’s just without the revelations or character development. It’ll be great too.”
Anyone caught holding a candlelit vigil will be prosecuted to the full extend of the law. It’s not clear what the crime will be yet, but they’ll be sure to make up one when its needed.
“If I were you I would not do anything but subserviently accept the ongoing deterioration in your living standards,” the source advised. “Go quietly into that good night. Go gentle. Mr Johnson must be seen to be a great Prime Minister. That is all that matters. That’s why schools are riddled with the virus. That’s why we’re using your money to pay off failing industries rather than acknowledge the failure is Brexit. To upset his apple cart would break the national delusion that it can not happen here. Because it can’t. Because we’re British.”
Exceptional.