The Foreign Secretary has been diagnosed with polydismorphia, a disease causing confusion of body parts. This comes after Boris put his foot into his mouth in spectacular fashion during an interview on Radio 4.
There is no known cure for this disease. It is highly contagious, and can spread rapidly. The only practical solution is to cull victims and burn their bodies.
LCD’s Improbable Ailments correspondent spoke to polydismorphia specialist Dr Willie Tappen.
“This condition is endemic among the political classes,” explained Dr Tappen. “It can flare up at any time. Sometimes attacks can be confined and controlled. In Mr Johnson’s case, though, drastic action is necessary.”
Dr Tappen brought forth further examples of polydismorphia. They include having two left feet, being all fingers and thumbs, and not knowing your arse from your elbow.
“Some of these variants are mild and treatable,” the good doctor continued. “For example, Ed Balls was given a strong course of Strictly.”
Boris, though, is another matter. “Left untreated, his affliction could infect the whole country,” warned Dr Tappen. “Even the wider world is at risk. Diseases respect no borders, however hard.”
So we arrive at the border. Boris proposed to solve the Irish border problem, essentially, by applying a congestion charge. He then tried to eat his words; unfortunately his foot was in the way.
The solution is a cull. Anyone who may have been poisoned by Boris’s rhetoric will be included. The cabinet, the mentally challenged, and anyone who has ever been on a big red bus will be sacrificed to prevent the spread of infection.
LCD Views would like to reassure their readership during this crisis. There is a simple preventative remedy available. Whenever a sufferer speaks or writes, simply take a large pinch of salt.
It has been confirmed that the cull will still continue. No need to take unnecessary risks, after all.