THEY MAKE IT ALL UP WHY CAN’T WE : Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab is no stranger to getting his hands dirty at work and at play and today he’s (fictionally) waded into the debate over how much sewage should we discharge onto ourselves? Which is of course another of the foreseen Brexit benefits.
“I don’t see what all the fuss is about?” he said, having not really understood anything for years. “If you don’t like swimming with sewage swim in your swimming pool at home. Or at your club? There’s plenty of choices. You don’t have to swim at Scarborough Beach or any of the other beaches in Cornwall. People should be prouder anyway. Ignoring just how shit everything is and carrying on regardless, while it gets worse, is what will make Boris Johnson’s time in 10 Downing Street a success. Just look at Brexit and the pandemic? Keep clapping. Ignore the filth on your palms and CLAP HARDER. REALLY PUT YOURSELF INTO IT AND LAUGH AS THE SCAT COVERS YOUR CHEEKS. IT’S HOW I GET THROUGH THE WEEK. Sorry. Did I pass out? My heart is beating so fast I think blood must have rushed to my brain cell.”
The choice to defend the plan to cover ourselves in our own scat is believed to be rooted in the truth of Brexit itself. At first it was metaphorical, now it is actual. Just as predicted by anyone who spent thirty seconds on Google in 2016. You didn’t actually have to be an expert, just able to read something that wasn’t obviously shit printed to promote shit to cover you in shit while someone else laughs in the shadows and converts your shit experience into cash.
“Who has time to swim anyway? Me? I’m flat out working out where to go on holiday most of the time. If you’re really upset just follow my example and fly to somewhere cleaner. It’s why I only swim in the Mediterranean when I’m staying on Crete.”