LOOK INTO MY EYES : Dramatic scenes this afternoon at Westminster Irregular Infirmary after Health Secretary Sajid Javid was rushed to A&E by his aides, who feared he was suffering from an overdose of magic mushrooms.
Drug intake among cabinet members is well documented, although most claim it was in their wild youth and prior to elevation through the chumocracy as a reward for supporting Brexit.
Mr Javid’s exact condition is not known but fabricated rumours suggest his condition has been deteriorating for weeks and today it became a crisis “no one could ignore anymore”.
“At first it was just large buildings he believed were new NHS hospitals,” an aide to the ailing Health Secretary told LCD Views. “Then it was portions of buildings that were hospitals which he imagined were entire new structures. Now it’s GP surgeries. Walk-in clinics. The collapse came when he stopped a passing Mr Whippy to purchase a soft serve and noticed the driver of the van was wearing a blood pressure monitor.”
It’s said at that point a wide smile lit up the Health Secretary’s face, his eyes glazed and he declared “The NHS Mr Whippy is now open. The NHS Mr Whippy is the newest of England’s hospitals.”
He is said to have still taken the ice cream from the bemused driver, but failed to eat it after examining it too closely and wondering, “Things like this make people feel better. Maybe they’re hospitals too?”
The ice cream is said to have melted down over his hands. It’s not clear if the driver was paid.
It’s understood Mr Javid will be stabilised at Westminster before being transferred to Moorfields Eye Hospital for specialist treatment.
“I suspect it’s more a neurological issue than anything else,” one medical expert commented. “Or too many mushrooms? Either way he will receive the best care available and once he stops declaring Moorfields a new hospital he may even be let home.”